I bet he comes in French.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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