My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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