Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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