My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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