Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
