Grow some girl-balls and come out already
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
