I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
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The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
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And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
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