My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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