Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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