i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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