does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
