I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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