i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
