we have pet lesbian snakes
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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