I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
