btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
