Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
