I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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