I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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