she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
