I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
