i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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