You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
