I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
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I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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