I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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