having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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