you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
