I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
don't judge my taste in strippers
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Randomize
