Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Everclear isn't food dammit
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
