I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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