I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
