the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Randomize
