Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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