Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
