you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
