I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
True college students do jello shots in the library
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