i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
