The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
