drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
You're like the curious george of whores
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
It's rum buckets o'clock
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
