Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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