You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
