I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
What happened to fro yo and sex?
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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