I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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