so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I did not marry a roomba.
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