Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
