She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
