I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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