He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
