A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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