I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
