are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
