When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
operation have a gay friend backfired
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
