Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Randomize
