she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
