I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
