I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I think I sprained my soul last night
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
